Thank you, David Denby: Wall-E rules, Dark Knight drools.

"Dude, our movie is so much better than Dark Knight."

You and probably everyone you know have probably already seen the Dark Knight, seeing as how it is about to topple Titanic in the Most (Undeservedly) Successful Films of All Time sweepstakes but let's discuss it anyway. Our initial attempt to see it on Sunday at the Pavilion in Park Slope was thwarted because all three shows we arrived in time to see had sold out. Through the magic of smartphones(we must get one of those someday) we were able to secure tickets to the last show of the night over on Court St in Brooklyn Heights and well, it really just wasn't worth all the trouble.
That's right. We thought it sucked. Let us talk you through it.
Now normally when we feel seething disappointment with something everyone else thinks is amazing we feel like we're perhaps being just a smidge contrary. After all, if it's good enough for Peter Travers of Rolling Stone to title his review of the film "Prepare to Be Amazed" then obviously we have missed out on something amazing(apparently not amazing enough for four whole stars, though). Fortunately, David Denby of the New Yorker(wherein he also reviews the far superior Wall-E) restored our faith in our convictions by seeing the movie almost exactly the way we did: over-long, oppressively serious, explosively explosive while exploding explosions explode and utterly unexplosive in almost every other way.
Christian Bale, despite being being plenty talented as well as miles and miles more handsome than any of his predecessors, is far and away the least likable Batman ever put on film. As Batman he pronounces every syllable supplied him in a frog's lowest register. As Bruce Wayne he is only slightly less terrifyingly slick than he was as American Psycho's Patrick Bateman. Michael Keaton is probably nobody's dream date but even without the Adonis bod Bale displayed in Batman Begins(and which is sadly barely glimpsed in this installment) he was fifty times more convincing as a superhero because the audience felt his Batman was someone who might actually want to help people. The only time Bale exhibits any charm or seems to not be choked by his own performance is in his interactions with Michael Caine's Alfred. Caine appears to be one of only two actors in this movie having any fun. We'll get to the other one in a minute.
First, will someone please tell us what it is we're supposed to like about Maggie Gyllenhall? Think what you will of Tom Cruise's child bride(whom we begrudgingly admit was totally awesome in Thank You for Smoking) but before Dark Knight never did we think we would utter the words "We miss Katie Holmes". Where Holmes' Rachel was something of an empty vessell waiting to be filled with BatLove, Gyllenhall has transformed her into what can only be described as Maggie Gyllenhall. Somewhat successful in her basic damsel in distress moments, in scenes written to make Rachel look clever she comes across as infuriatingly smug, just like she has in every other movie we've ever seen her in. She plays what must be meant to be an accomplished lawyer as a know-it-all Wellesley undergrad.
The actors are far from the only problem. Often overly noisy and almost entirely joyless, the film seems intent on lecturing the audience on the thin line between hero and antihero. Pity then that you hardly have a chance to consider this message before the film attempts to bludgeon its audience into slack-jawed exhortations of "Woooooow." Batman jumps off a couple of buildings, once being retrieved by a plane outfitted with something called Sky Hook(we are to believe that this technology was hatched in the 60's and then abandoned... likely because it's utterly ludicrous or maybe because the name is just totally lame). Even when the film gets the action right(as in the climactic car chase scene) it hardly makes up for all the things it gets wrong. Aaron Eckhart's DA character's descent into Two Face madness is marred by the sadly more hilarious than horrifying second CGI face he's been outfitted with. The fight scenes are shot so close as to be a total blur and the "second sight" device Batman employs in his final confrontation with the Joker, even in Summer blockbuster terms, is hardly to be believed.
Speaking of the Joker, let's talk about Heath Ledger. We won't belabor the point too much because everyone everywhere knows that this, his last completed performance, is supposed to be brilliant. It is. He is, hands down, the best thing the film has going for it. He plays Joker's anarchic joy in joyful anarchy to the hilt. You miss him when he's not on-screen, and not just because you know he won't be back for the inevitable sequel. Moreover though, his Joker is a far more fascinating vision than the clown prince of crime Nicholson potrayed in the 1989 film. Materialism has taken a back seat to pure, unadulterated menace; for him, money is just paper, fit to be burned in favor of the pure madness that is his lifeblood. Cracking wise, he takes perverse pleasure in being served a brutal beatdown by Batman. He believes in the fun of chaos. Too bad the film he inhabits has too much of the latter and not enough of the former.